Self-awareness, or the ability to recognize a feeling as it arises, is the cornerstone of emotional inteligence (EI). Daniel Goleman, “Emotional Intelligence” (1995)
If I told you that your IQ has taken a back seat and that the key to success lies in the art of managing your emotions, what would you say? Managing emotions (your own and those of others) is something much more difficult and challenging than analyzing situations from our rational side.
As a veterinarian, developing EI has been very helpful to me. This demanding profession is full of emotional challenges that can lead to very high levels of stress. I have experienced this first hand.
Thanks to my father and his knowledge in psychology I learned to recognize my emotions and to ‘think correctly’ to modify them. Our internal dialogues, the things we say to ourselves, shape our emotions for better or worse. Knowing ‘how to think’ in different situations is the most powerful tool in developing EI.
Let’s see next what emotional intelligence is all about; it may seem contradictory at first glance, but it is not.
What is emotional intelligence (EI)?
Emotions are impulses that lead us to act in a certain way. They appear suddenly, usually when we are not in a position to assimilate the information that comes to us at that moment and they don’t give us time to “think” clearly before acting.
Back in the 90’s, Daniel Goleman revolutionized classical theories with his book Emotional Intelligence. There, he states that it is much more important than having a high IQ when it comes to achieving success in any area of life, be it academic, work or personal.
EI is the ability to observe one’s own and others’ emotions and feelings, to individualize them, recognize them and use the information we have gathered to guide our thoughts and actions. It seems easy… but it is not.
According to Goleman, when it comes to holding a position of authority and leading a group of people, having well-developed emotional competence is far more important and valuable than an outstanding IQ. So far, everything seems very clear, but how we develop EI is either learned or innate. I’ll tell you about it here…
How do you acquire emotional intelligence?
While it is never too late to develop new social skills, ideally, we have been taught how to manage our emotions from a young age. This is not because you grow up with these skills and acquire them as you age, but because they are learned; and the younger the better.
- How to motivate ourselves
- How to interact with others
- How to build self-control
- How to listen to others
- How to work as a team
These five points form the basis of emotional intelligence and, as we have already mentioned, they must be learned.
If as responsible adults we teach the youngest ones values such as respect for others and for oneself, we will be forging adults who master the art of managing their emotions.
How do we teach them something that we don’t know if we actually have it in us? For María Luisa Salcines (a certified mother educator and writer), the answer is very simple and conclusive: we teach by example. They will learn how to manage their emotions by imitating what we do in the face of anger, sadness, frustration, etc.
Therefore, it is essential that we review how we manage our emotions and make sure that it is as healthy as possible. Understanding how we feel and acting on it is the first step in building healthy social relationships.
Three ways to apply EI
When we feel an emotion taking hold of us, Maria Luisa Salcines suggests trying to pause for a second and identify what emotion it is (anger, sadness, anxiety, etc.) before acting. We must allow ourselves to feel them, to listen to them so we can act instead of reacting. The first way to apply EI would then be to identify which emotion has manifested within us.
Another way of putting emotional intelligence into practice is not to assume other people’s emotions. That is, we should not look for solutions to solve how the Other feels. In general, when we have not yet learned to manage our emotions, we do not have the capacity to detect them, and even less to think and communicate clearly.
Finally, Salcines recommends setting limits in the relationships we have with others. In this sense, we have to make clear how we want to be treated. To do this we must ask directly and as transparently as possible what behavior we want them to have with us.
Identification, distance and limits are three ways to implement EI that we are all able to do. It is important to do so for ourselves, but fundamentally for those who are growing up with us and see in our behavior a model to follow.
In conclusion, and taking up the same words of Goleman at the beginning of the article, I agree that getting to know ourselves and knowing what emotion a given situation generates in us is the first step in navigating the world of EI. We cannot manage or control the unknown, but we can recognize ourselves as the managers of our feelings.
Most importantly, we must ‘learn to think’. Don’t miss my article Positive Thinking: it is possible to manage emotions; it will help you to have more happy moments. Your pet will be in best hands with you.
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